Two years ago I had no job. I got evicted from my apartment (soft evicted…1) and was living with my partner in an apartment that was too small for the two of us. At one point she told me something like: “You gotta get your shit together.” Which was good. I needed that.

I was coping with all the stress of not having a job, and getting evicted by getting high. A lot. But alas, out of bad things come good things.

I stopped getting high, and started tracking my job applications. Tracking the rejections in a spreadsheet somehow tricked me into thinking that I was going somewhere. I applied more, and told myself that I could have a pity party if (and only if!) I made it to 100 rejections. Until then, I had no grounds to feel sorry for myself.

But this isn’t one of those annoying, “I was high. I was broke. Then I got hard. Then I got better.” kind of stories.

Let me tell ya, when I finally found a job, I got super high.

I’d never gotten high from a blunt before, so I gave it a go, and it was pretty nice. I remember falling into sort of a blissful haze underneath a tree in the park, watching the leaves in the sunshine, feeling the grass on my forearms. It was 2pm in a summer afternoon, and I had no where to be – but in two weeks, I would have a job. I felt like I could finally relax.

“You’ve got this one opportunity to fall in love with existence. So, why not relax and enjoy your life?”

– Sam Harris

Alas - This was just one of the stressful “WE GOTTA FIGURE THIS OUT!” kind of projects that I’ve had in my life. When I started working, I immediately found another project to get all stressed about, namely: “HOW THE FREAK DO I NOT GET FIRED!? THEY’RE GOING TO KNOW I’M AN IMPOSTER AND CAN’T REALLY DO THIS JOB THAT WELL. THEN I’LL BE POOR AGAIN, AHHHH!”

I think I’ve had a project like that for pretty much my whole life. Everything has a sense of urgency to it. Everything needs to get done! And while it’s nice to have a project and to move towards, I feel like I could do it with a little less… anxiety.

So that’s what this page is, in some ways! This page is dedicated to celebrating all the people (and things!) I’ve ever loved. It’s:

  • a love letter to… reality?
  • a love letter to Syvester who somehow managed to get me a free iPhone at the verizon store, whenever I lost mine and tried to turn in my Samsung Galaxy S7 from like 2014
  • a reminder that the world is filled with beauty and grace
  • a remeinder to be present and smell the flowers, dammit

So yeah! If you vibe, you vibe. Let’s get snacks. Stay a while. If not, no worries.

  1. Like.. not legally. So it was no big deal. But it was, maybe, the biggest or most direct sort of ‘f-u’ energy I’ve ever been on the other side of. They were essentially like, I can’t believe you did this. How could you lie to us. Please leave this apartment. I was like, yeah, my bad. I’ll go. Didna feel good, I’ll tell you what. ↩